Today the state of Pennsylvania will begin to enforce a law requiring all bicycles used on public property to be licensed according to type.
The law outlines that bicycles will be divided into two major categories with sub categories for each.
State law makers decided to first divide bicycles into two major categories: road bikes and off road bikes. When questioned about cross bikes the lawmakers remarked that the law will require those owning cross bikes to pick a category and get on with it.
Likewise road bikes will be subdivided into those bikes with the seat lower than the handlebars and those bikes with the seat higher than the handlebars. It was noted that any road bicycle with the seat higher than the handlebars will pay extra. One official was overheard saying that the extra fee will cover all the damaged tow mirrors on passing trucks caused by oblivious road cyclists riding around with their seats too high. This same official, who shall remain nameless, is also quoted as calling those cyclists “tight short wearing leaners who should sit up already!"
The new law includes stipulations which would require any owner of a fixie to sport a mustache with a name, tight tennis shorts and a funny hat incapable of protecting anything but great hair in the event of a crash. In addition, fixie's must be fitted with extremely bright tires. In this way lawmakers feel that fixie cyclists can quickly be distinguished from normal cyclists who may actually obey common road rules.
Off road bicycles are also subcategorized. While most off road bicycles are equally capable, lawmakers chose to establish specific categories for wheel size, suspension and number of gears.
It is interesting to note that single speed off road bikes with no suspension will be charged the same fee as a road bike with the seat higher than the handlebars. Lawmakers stated that it is universally understood that anyone owning a single speed, rigid mountain bike also owns a road bicycle with a high seat and is at risk of purchasing a fixie in the immediate future. Lawmakers want to deter cyclists from becoming fixie riders and understand that a rigid SS is a gateway bike to cycling addiction.
When asked why wheel size would be categorized lawmakers responded harshly stating that off road 29ers are used by cheaters and real mountain bikers ride 26 inch wheels. There is also a non related law in the works to officially rename 26 inch wheeled bikes “26ers” regardless of how ridiculous it sounds to virtually every cyclists on the planet.
For those into gravity, anyone riding a fully suspended bicycle with travel longer than 120mm will be required to prove they can actually pedal uphill.
Finally, anyone riding a XC mountain bike will be given short test in which they will ride their bike and then be shown a life-size picture of a horse. Riders who huck the horse or scream “Strava” and pedal faster will be invited to the next beer run.
April fools…..It’s been a good blog.